Take the Climb by Otter Creek - Dedicated to Tyler Clementi and all others who have or are struggling

I first fell in love with Otter Creek when I heard a four-part interview with Peter and Mary Danzig on Mormon Stories, a podcast of various interests having to do with Mormonism.

My sister had sent me a link to their story, saying I might find it interesting. It was basically the story of their lives together and their journey from devout Mormons living in a small town near the small town I grew up in to their eventual (and very painful) leaving of the Mormon Church - in part due to the Church's stance on homosexuality (which is interesting seeing as how they are a straight couple :)).

I found it interesting that Peter was going to school majoring in social work when he started to seriously question the Church and its standing on social issues. I completely understand this - perhaps because social work classes focus on not only forming your own opinion about things - questioning things and seeking answers (things which are all shied away from in the Mormon Church) - but also looking at social justice issues impacting all people and teaching students to fight for and with those who are marginalized.

So, as a gay, formerly Mormon social worker I obviously found a lot that I could relate to with this couple.

Anyway, I have been following them a bit via Facebook and their webpage and saw that they had written a song dedicated to Tyler Clementi, the Rutger's teen who took his life after a video of him with another man was posted online by a fellow student.

I emailed Otter Creek requesting a copy of the song and got the following email along with the song:

In September I had just started to teach a violin lesson when my student's mother picked up her New York Times and gasped. She told me she had to show me something after the lesson. After I finished teaching, she showed me an article about a young violinist, Tyler Clementi who committed suicide after his roommate live streamed Tyler's relationship with another guy over the internet. As I read the article and looked at the picture of a young man holding his violin with such beautiful technique, I was filled with sadness.

The week before I had heard Hilary Hahn perform the Tchaikowsky violin concerto. During her incredible performance I had thought about the speculation that Tchaikowsky commited suicide because his "friends" told him that it would be better for him to kill himself than to be gay. I had thought about the magnificent gift that Tchaikowsky's gift has been to the world and what a loss his untimely death was for all of us. As I gazed at the picture of Tyler, I grieved the loss of a young man who had already brought so much joy and would have given a lifetime of beauty to so many. As Peter and I talked later that evening we wished there was something we could do. We decided to write a song and hope that maybe it does some good for someone. Some talented musician friends helped us make a live recording at Holladay United Church of Christ. Attached is the song. They lyrics are below. We hope you enjoy the song. If you do, please feel free to send it on with our hope that one day we will learn to treat all people with love and respect.

Take the Climb by Peter and Mary Danzig www.OtterCreekDuo.com Recorded live at Holladay United Church of Christ vocal and acoustic guitar - Peter Danzig violin - Mary Danzig electric guitar - Bill Green bass- Jani Gamble drums - Amy Boettger recorded by Winston Gamble

Take the Climb

In memory of Tyler Clementi

It was late in the evening one September night

When Tyler found out what they'd done.

They'd taken a scene from his private life

And shown it online just for fun.

Now he didn't do anything wrong

He'd just fallen in love

Instead of drowning in the Hudson

He should have been high

Should have been left to climb high on the mountain of love.

There stand many others alongside of Tyler

Who have been thoughtlessly shamed

By those who profess that the core of their nature

Is unnatural sick and profane.

now it's not really that hard

To grab hold of their hands

Walk with them in the valley below

And take the climb high

Take the climb high on the mountain of love.

Now I have a message for preachers of hate

I think you may be confused

The road to salvation's not paved with rejection

Intolerance or abuse.

So stand down your guard

And I'll do the same

Let's meet each other in the valley below

And take the climb high

Take the climb high on the mountain of love.

-----

If you would like an mp3 of the song let me know.

Random Find...

I love this and thought I would share... :)

Radical

No reason for this...just in the mood to post the lyrics to a song by Catie Curtis:

Radical

Catie Curtis

It's all right, we're gonna be fine

But let's give my mama and my daddy a little more time

'Cause I"ve been good up 'til now

They see you and they think that I have changed somehow

But I'm not being radical when I kiss you

I don't love you to make a point

It's the hollow of my heart that cries when I miss you

And it keeps me alive when we're apart

We go downtown, some people they stare

But there are lots of people who really don't care

I just want to hold your hand

I don't feel like making some big stand

But I'm not being radical when I kiss you

I don't love you to make a point

It's the hollow of my heart that cries when I miss you

And it keeps me alive when we're apart

It's all right, we're gonna be fine

Even if this world is taking so much time

And though I mind what people say

Love is stronger than any words anyway

But I'm not being radical when I kiss you

I don't love you to make a point

It's the hollow of my heart that cries when I miss you

And it keeps me alive when we're apart

Jon Stewart with Mike Huckabee

Thanks to Justin for this -

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Mike Huckabee Pt. 2

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

Mormon Church Doctrine

I will try to write more about this later - but for now, I had to post this.  This is taken from the Doctrine and Covenants, a book of scripture used/taught/followed (supposedly) by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Doctrine & Covenants 134:4

We believe that religion is institued of God; and that men are amenable to him, and to him only, for the exercise of it, unless their religious opions prompt them to infringe upon the rights and liberties of others; but we do not believe that human law has a right to interfere in prescribing rules of worship to bind the consciences of men, nor dictate forms for public or prive devotion; that the civil magistrate should restrain crim, but never control conscience; should punish guilt, but never suppress the freedom of the soul.

Special Comment by Keith Olbermann

This was Keith's 'Special Comment' on November 10, 2008.  Written transcript is below if you would prefer not to watch it.

SPECIAL COMMENT: THE PASSAGE OF PROP 8

Posted: Monday, November 10, 2008 9:01 PM by Countdown
Filed Under: Special Comment

Finally tonight as promised, a Special Comment on the passage, last week, of Proposition Eight in California, which rescinded the right of same-sex couples to marry, and tilted the balance on this issue, from coast to coast.

Some parameters, as preface. This isn't about yelling, and this isn't about politics, and this isn't really just about Prop-8.  And I don't have a personal investment in this: I'm not gay, I had to strain to think of one member of even my very extended family who is, I have no personal stories of close friends or colleagues fighting the prejudice that still pervades their lives.

And yet to me this vote is horrible. Horrible. Because this isn't about yelling, and this isn't about politics.

This is about the... human heart, and if that sounds corny, so be it.

If you voted for this Proposition or support those who did or the sentiment they expressed, I have some questions, because, truly, I do not... understand. Why does this matter to you? What is it to you? In a time of impermanence and fly-by-night relationships, these people over here want the same chance at permanence and happiness that is your option. They don't want to deny you yours. They don't want to take anything away from you. They want what you want -- a chance to be a little less alone in the world.

Only now you are saying to them -- no. You can't have it on these terms. Maybe something similar. If they behave. If they don't cause too much trouble.  You'll even give them all the same legal rights -- even as you're taking away the legal right, which they already had. A world around them, still anchored in love and marriage, and you are saying, no, you can't marry. What if somebody passed a law that said you couldn't marry?

I keep hearing this term "re-defining" marriage.

If this country hadn't re-defined marriage, black people still couldn't marry white people. Sixteen states had laws on the books which made that illegal... in 1967. 1967.

The parents of the President-Elect of the United States couldn't have married in nearly one third of the states of the country their son grew up to lead. But it's worse than that. If this country had not "re-defined" marriage, some black people still couldn't marry...black people. It is one of the most overlooked and cruelest parts of our sad story of slavery. Marriages were not legally recognized, if the people were slaves. Since slaves were property, they could not legally be husband and wife, or mother and child. Their marriage vows were different: not "Until Death, Do You Part," but "Until Death or Distance, Do You Part." Marriages among slaves were not legally recognized.

You know, just like marriages today in California are not legally recognized, if the people are... gay.

And uncountable in our history are the number of men and women, forced by society into marrying the opposite sex, in sham marriages, or marriages of convenience, or just marriages of not knowing -- centuries of men and women who have lived their lives in shame and unhappiness, and who have, through a lie to themselves or others, broken countless other lives, of spouses and children... All because we said a man couldn't marry another man, or a woman couldn't marry another woman. The sanctity of marriage. How many marriages like that have there been and how on earth do they increase the "sanctity" of marriage rather than render the term, meaningless?

What is this, to you? Nobody is asking you to embrace their expression of love. But don't you, as human beings, have to embrace... that love? The world is barren enough.

It is stacked against love, and against hope, and against those very few and precious emotions that enable us to go forward. Your marriage only stands a 50-50 chance of lasting, no matter how much you feel and how hard you work.

And here are people overjoyed at the prospect of just that chance, and that work, just for the hope of having that feeling.  With so much hate in the world, with so much meaningless division, and people pitted against people for no good reason, this is what your religion tells you to do? With your experience of life and this world and all its sadnesses, this is what your conscience tells you to do?

With your knowledge that life, with endless vigor, seems to tilt the playing field on which we all live, in favor of unhappiness and hate... this is what your heart tells you to do? You want to sanctify marriage? You want to honor your God and the universal love you believe he represents? Then Spread happiness -- this tiny, symbolic, semantical grain of happiness -- share it with all those who seek it. Quote me anything from your religious leader or book of choice telling you to stand against this. And then tell me how you can believe both that statement and another statement, another one which reads only "do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

---

You are asked now, by your country, and perhaps by your creator, to stand on one side or another. You are asked now to stand, not on a question of politics, not on a question of religion, not on a question of gay or straight. You are asked now to stand, on a question of...love. All you need do is stand, and let the tiny ember of love meet its own fate. You don't have to help it, you don't have it applaud it, you don't have to fight for it. Just don't put it out. Just don't extinguish it. Because while it may at first look like that love is between two people you don't know and you don't understand and maybe you don't even want to know...It is, in fact, the ember of your love, for your fellow **person...

Just because this is the only world we have. And the other guy counts, too.

This is the second time in ten days I find myself concluding by turning to, of all things, the closing plea for mercy by Clarence Darrow in a murder trial.

But what he said, fits what is really at the heart of this:

"I was reading last night of the aspiration of the old Persian poet, Omar-Khayyam," he told the judge.

"It appealed to me as the highest that I can vision. I wish it was in my heart, and I wish it was in the hearts of all:

"So I be written in the Book of Love;

"I do not care about that Book above.

"Erase my name, or write it as you will,

"So I be written in the Book of Love."

2nd Annual LSC Bonfire

The beginning of October we had a bonfire at Como Park fire rings!  Kristin and I showed up a few hours before the event was going to start thinking that would be plenty early.  But when we arrived all of the rings were taken.  We then spent the next 2 hours on the phone with Heather and driving all over Saint Paul trying to find other available rings.  

After about 1 ½ hours we realized that all of the rings had been removed – seems the Parks Department removes all of the fire pits in September.  Which makes no sense to me.  October typically is the perfect month for bonfires – so why they remove the pits in September is beyond me.

Anyway, so after 2 hours of driving to all sorts of different parks (I was frustrated by the end, but the drive was so beautiful, I didn’t mind too much!) we decided to head back to Como and hope that a fire ring opened up.  We were able to get a grill near the rings, so we cooked up our hot dogs and waited.  Eventually we basically built a fire in the grill (totally illegal) so we could make s’ mores.  Then someone noticed that some people were packing up to leave.  

Heather and Michele, being the brave souls that they are, headed over to ask if we could have their ring.  They said yes, and we pounced! 

It was great because the fire was already going and we were able to just sit and enjoy.  At some point we commenced the annual meeting of the LSC.  I agreed to induct all bonfire attendees (Heather, Michele, Emily, Lara, Kristin, and Jehn ), and we agreed that the annual meeting should be held around a bonfire. 

That was about it.  Oh, there were lots of s’ mores and a slight confrontation with some guys (which Kristin handled like a super star) but otherwise it was just a nice, relaxing evening under the stars!  I keep thinking maybe we could squeeze one more in before it gets too cold, but not sure that will happen!  Oh well, I guess there’s always next year!

Prop 8

Proposition 8 is an issue that will be voted on in November in California. I wasn’t going to talk about it, but I am disturbed by the news I have been hearing about it lately.

Proposition 8 would basically turn over a decision made by the voter-elected judges of the California Supreme Court which ruled that according to the Constitution marriage is a basic human right to all people.

Why am I upset? A couple of reasons – both extremely personal for me.

The first is that I’m a lesbian. The decision that is made in November will affect my life. Yes, it’s in California and I’m not, but it could continue a precedent of ignorance and discrimination. As most gay people go, I’m fairly laid back about this issue. I don’t care if anyone calls what Kristin and I had last year a commitment ceremony, a union, or a marriage. I know what it was, and that is what is important to me.

I do care, however, that we don’t share any of the same rights that heterosexual couples share. I am just as committed to Kristin as any straight person is to his or her spouse. We were married (or committed or unionized or whatever) last year. We live together. I do the dishes, she scoops the cat poop. We sleep in on Sundays and write silly love notes to each other. Our paychecks are deposited into a shared account. We plan to buy a house, raise a family (which will include children, if we are so blessed), and grow old together. We have the same hopes and dreams for our lives and future as any straight couple has. We are just people. Just plain, ordinary people. This proposition is basically saying it doesn’t matter. Because I don’t fit into this certain mold, I am not worthy of being treated as an equal – and that disturbs me.

The second reason this is so disturbing to me is the Mormon Church and its active role in getting this proposition passed. I know they are not accepting of me and others like me. I have known that my whole life. What disturbs me is that they can use millions of members’ tithe dollars to support this, still be tax exempt (seriously?!?), and threaten members' memberships if they question the Church's involvement.

What is it about me that scares the Mormon Church? What is it about me that is so bad, wrong, and defiled that they feel they need to step in and defend an entire state from me?

The Church has always preached loving acceptance of your neighbor, but all that their support of this proposition does is show discrimination and hate. It flies in the face of everything I ever learned sitting within the hallowed walls of the building I worshipped in week after week growing up. They are preaching love and acceptance of those, and only those, who are willing to follow their rules and live by their laws.

I have thought, perhaps naively, that somehow the Church would change. That over time they would come to see and understand that homosexuals are not out to ruin families or destroy communities. But today I realized this change won’t be coming. I don’t think they will ever understand that I’m okay just the way I am and that I am a person worthy of all of the rights and privileges they enjoy.

One last thing I would add: How quickly they forget.

How quickly they forget about the persecution their ancestors endured a mere 150 years ago. How quickly they forget how early Mormons were driven out of their homes and denied their own basic rights. How quickly they forget that all those early members wanted was to be left in peace to live their lives in the way they saw fit. How quickly they have gone from being the persecuted to the persecutor.

I have done nothing to them. The marriage to my wife has absolutely no effect on the Church, its leaders, or its members. I am not here to recruit their children, break up their marriages, or ruin their economy. I am simply trying to be left in peace and to live my life in the way I see fit.

http://www.sltrib.com/ci_10662315

http://tinyurl.com/4zcpvb

Pride 2008

Once again pride is over :( But we had a great weekend! Because I was finishing up Spanish (will try to write more about that later) we didn't get to participate in a ton of events, but we did go to the parade and park on Sunday. Thanks to Kristin, Jehn, and Lisa for the great company!!

Happy Anniversary!

First, let me wish a very happy 4th anniversary to Kristin.

Some of you may be confused. How can it be our 4th anniversary when we just got married in July? Before the big day we always celebrated our anniversary on October 17. That’s the day we first met in person again after several years of very sparse email contact. It kicked off a period of newness, crazy-in-loveness, and me flying to Minnesota at least once a month (sometime 2 or 3 times a month) to visit (thank goodness I moved here the following April or I would now owe the airlines a fortune!).

To celebrate, Kristin informed me today that we are going to see a film I have wanted to see for awhile – she typically doesn’t like going to see movies that I do, so I had given up hope that we would go and resigned myself to the fact that if I wanted to see it I would have to see it on my own or with friends in the next couple of days before it leaves the theater here. But here she is, being the awesome person she is and reminding me, on this, our 4th anniversary, of all the reasons I fell in love with her.

Thank you, darling. Happy Anniversary.

FILM SYNOPSIS

Can the love between two people ever be an abomination? Is the chasm separating gays and lesbians and Christianity too wide to cross? Is the Bible an excuse to hate?


Winner of the Audience Award for Best Documentary at the Seattle International Film Festival, Dan Karslake's provocative, entertaining documentary brilliantly reconciles homosexuality and Biblical scripture, and in the process reveals that Church-sanctioned anti-gay bias is based almost solely upon a significant (and often malicious) misinterpretation of the Bible. As the film notes, most Christians live their lives today without feeling obliged to kill anyone who works on the Sabbath or eats shrimp (as a literal reading of scripture dictates).


Through the experiences of five very normal, very Christian, very American families -- including those of former House Majority Leader Richard Gephardt and Episcopalian Bishop Gene Robinson -- we discover how insightful people of faith handle the realization of having a gay child. Informed by such respected voices as Bishop Desmond Tutu, Harvard's Peter Gomes, Orthodox Rabbi Steve Greenberg and Reverend Jimmy Creech, FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO offers healing, clarity and understanding to anyone caught in the crosshairs of scripture and sexual identity.

San Diego Mayor Jerry Sanders

For the raw emotion, the unconditional love, and the ability to stand up for what you believe in - even when it may not be the most popular position - Mayor Sanders - I applaud you.

Thank you for reminding all of us that hope, optimism, and persistence are important and necessary in the fight for equal rights for all people.

Pride

Pride was this weekend, and we were fairly busy this year.

Saturday we went to the park for awhile and then volunteered at the Service Members Legal Defense Network booth. We were gathering signatures to submit to Congress asking them to repeal the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy for the Armed Services. We heard some amazing stories from people who had tried to sign up as an openly gay person and from those that had been kicked out because it was discovered they were gay. Some people’s comments really surprised me…like those that said they agreed with the policy or one woman who told me she didn’t think the government really kicked people out for being gay. The truth is that the Pentagon fires two people EVERY DAY just for being gay. And then they turn around and complain that they don't have enough people to fight all of the silly wars that George W. gets us into. Go figure. Most people got that and signed gladly, which was nice.

Saturday night we went on the Dyke March. This was something that I had to talk Kristin into. She said she had been before and while it was fun, it felt a little “dangerous,” and it wasn’t something she really wanted to do again. I, however, had never done it, and really wanted to participate, so we did.

We parked near where the March usually ended and caught a cab back to the Walker where it was to begin. There was an amazing energy there with people of all ages and backgrounds gathering together in a common cause. We left the Walker and turned left on Hennepin, headed downtown. It was then that we realized they had changed the route and we were parked in the opposite direction! Oops.

I can’t even begin to tell you what an amazing experience it was. Honestly. Kristin was a little freaked out in the beginning, but once we got downtown where it was well-lit, she was fine. Somehow, we ended up being right at the front of the 2-block-plus entourage, and it was great to march past all of the downtown bars and restaurants and see the looks on people’s faces as they tried to figure out what was going on. The only weird part was when some random girl somehow got the megaphone and was telling her story and singing hymns…but once the organizers got it back it went back to being an amazing experience.

At the end of the walk we decided just to walk the 1.5 miles to the car. It didn’t take too long, and it was a nice time to just reflect on the march and what it stood for. I think too often we forget that Pride isn’t just about having a good time. It’s about being proud of who you are and standing up for the rights that every human being deserves. Granted, marching around downtown yelling out silly slogans isn’t necessarily going to change anything, but to see the looks on people’s faces, to make ourselves visible, and to feel the power of the group all are small steps to creating the change.

Sunday we met some friends for breakfast at Hell’s Kitchen in downtown Minneapolis. I had heard rave reviews about it, but it didn’t really meet my expectations. It was nice to see everyone and spend time with them, but the food was subpar to other places I’ve been.

After breakfast we went to the parade which was fun, as always. Two things I would like to point out. The first was Amy Klobuchar. The reception she received was amazing. Honestly, you would have thought she was a celebrity. It’s nice to see that people are paying attention to what our leaders are doing in Washington and praising them for a job well done when it is deserved.The second was the PFLAG group. Every year they receive a standing ovation as they pass, and every year I get teary-eyed. To me, the people that participate in that are some of the most amazing and spectacular people on earth. They are an example of the ultimate acceptance. Not only do they enthusiastically support their GLBT sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, and friends, but they are not afraid to show that support by marching in the Pride Parade. This year I caught the eye of one mother who was holding a sign that said something to the effect of “I love my lesbian daughter.” It gave me the chills to see family members who are so willing and able to march in support of who their loved ones truly are. The woman held my gaze – giving me a knowing smile and a nod as she passed. Standing and clapping for them seems such an understated way to express the feelings that we all feel towards those people…but hopefully they all know how much we appreciate them.

The parade is always a good time with an interesting mix of people participating, but this year it seemed especially poignant for me…even with the crazy sunburn I got during it!

Sunday night we were able to go to the Indigo Girls concert. I had never seen them in concert, so I was excited for that. It was held at the Minnesota State Zoo which provided a perfect background for such a great concert. Brandi Carlisle opened for them. Kristin and I both really liked her music, and I downloaded all of her music from iTunes as soon as we got home.

Laying in bed Sunday night, exhausted from the busy weekend and unable to move because of my sunburn, I reflected on the weekend – it was amazing in so many ways.

Most years I find that I’m really excited for it but once it rolls around I find myself disappointed. Not that it’s not a good time, I just usually feel that it doesn’t meet my expectations. This year I found myself not looking forward to it as much as in the past. Maybe that was because of the previous years of disappointment. I was pleasantly surprised, this year, however to find that I was sad when the weekend came to a close, and I'm already looking forward to next year – to volunteering, to marching, and to watching!

Pride Pics

I owe ya'll a new blog post, I know. And I will post about the big weekend soon, but in the mean time, hopefully these pics will tide you over!

Flowers...

Today I had the day off because I’m officially “transitioning” into a new position at work. There is much to be said about that, but I’ll save that for another day.

We took advantage of the fact that I didn’t have to work and Kristin could get away since school is out, and we went to pick out our flowers for the wedding.

First of all, a little history. We had decided awhile ago to do our own flowers. Heather, a bridesmaid, had experience and had offered to help, and it didn’t really look too difficult. Then we started looking for a place to get the flowers. We had a tough time finding an affordable place to buy roses. We talked more about it and realized we wouldn’t really be able to make the bouquets until the day before the wedding. We decided that the extra price it would cost to have them done for us would be worth the time and stress it would save us. So we started researching florists online.

We came across a small floral shop in Saint Paul called Payne’s Floral. We called and set up an appointment.

We didn’t really plan ahead all that well as to how we were going to break the news to the head designer that there would be two brides and no grooms – big mistake.

As soon as we went in she asked “and who is the bride?” Kristin and I just looked at each other as if to say “who’s going to be the one this time?” before Kristin said “both of us.” Her face lit up and she asked “is this a double wedding?” Again, we glanced at each other for a moment before I said “yes!”

Oy vey. Why do I do these things? Immediately she started talking a million miles an hour about how she had never done a double wedding, and this was going to be soooo exciting with TWO brides!

I probably could have clarified a bit at that moment, explained that it wasn’t really a double wedding as she was thinking of it, and we could have gone on with the planning. But no. I just smiled and pretended that this was really the best moment of my life while Kristin sat down on her stool looking like she wanted to cut my tongue out.

And so the planning began. First, the designer asked us all about the colors and the dresses and the bridesmaids. She asked what we were thinking about for the flowers and I told her we wanted roses. Lots and lots of roses. We talked about colors and styles and looked at the various choices of greenery to accent the bouquets. We talked about the bridesmaid bouquets and how they would differ from the bridal ones.

And then we got to the grooms and groomsmen. At this point it was too late to correct the situation. The designer wanted to know if there would be four groomsmen. “Um, yeah,” Kristin mumbled. She talked about how she would make the boutonnières for them – the flowers she would use, etc. We just smiled and assured her that whatever she thought would look best would be fine by us.

She finished up, gave us a grand total, we paid our deposit, and then ran for the door.

Kristin was not happy with me. At all. She wanted to know why I had quickly said it was a double wedding. Why I hadn’t thought of a way to tell her? I hadn’t planned it out. And when faced with the moment of unplanned awkwardness, I folded.

This whole planning process has really been a test of our “outness” which, before this whole thing neither Kristin nor I were very good at. We have both commented at various times about the awkwardness of having to tell complete strangers that we’re gay. Neither of us are the type to flaunt our gayness to the entire world. I have always figured that straight people don’t go around saying “I’m straight! I’m straight! Look at me!” so why should I go around shouting the opposite?

I mean, come on, could you imagine going in to some random place – like a shoe store, for example – and saying “yes, I would like to try this shoe in a size 8 and by the way, I’m straight . . . you’re okay with that, right?” Then going to a restaurant and saying “I’m a heterosexual, will you still serve me?” Then heading to the movies and having to explain to the ticket salesman that you sleep with someone of the opposite sex and hoping that they will just give you your ticket without making a big deal out of it or denying you entry.

With every vendor we’ve dealt with we’ve had to face telling them about our personal lives and hoping they won’t judge us unfairly because of it. Some people will say “who cares what they think? Just tell them! If they don’t want to serve you it’ll be their loss!” Sometimes, unfortunately, it just isn’t that easy (possibly a subject of another post?).

Granted, some things have been easier than others – the DJ and the reception place were relatively painless, for example. It just kind of flowed into the conversation or emails to say, “oh, by the way, this is a lesbian wedding – just wanted to make sure you were okay with that.” Other things, like the dresses and the flowers have been a little more delicate and difficult.

But I ask – why does everyone have to know? Does it really matter if the floral designer knows that we will be marrying each other? She won’t be there, so why should we have to tell her? And of course, the answer is that we don’t.

I guess that just leaves one question:

Does anyone need six boutonnières on or around July 27?

Registries...

So the wedding is quickly approaching. There are many things to be said about the preparations and planning that goes into a wedding. I read an article once that talked about weddings and funerals and how if you give yourself less than 18 months to plan for a wedding people gasp in horror. How could anyone possibly plan a wedding in less than 18 months? Try telling them you’re planning it in 3 months or less and they recoil in fear.

The article also observed that most funerals are planned and carried out in less than a week. It pointed out the various similarities between the two events – both have a meal, both have a ceremony, both have flowers, both have family members coming from all over, etc. The basic premise was that you don’t have to spend a ton of money and a ton of time on a wedding.

In many ways I completely agreed with the article. Why would anyone want to spend 18 months planning for something that would be over in a day anyway?

That, of course, was before I started planning for my own wedding. I didn’t realize the “other” things that weddings entail…the things that take up all the time and force you into the 18-month wedding planning hell.

One example: gift registries.

Let me share an experience Kristin and I had a little over a week ago.

We had started our Target registry by surfing their website and adding things that looked like something we might need some day. We knew we should register somewhere else and we had talked about a variety of stores to consider: Macy’s; Pier One; Crate and Barrel; Bed, Bath, and Beyond (B3); etc.

So one day I’m surfing around and find myself on the B3 site and notice that when you go to do a registry you have several options of what kind of registry you’re doing: housewarming, wedding, COMMITMENT CEREMONY, etc.

One thing I have learned during this whole wedding planning process is that while many places are tolerant of the gay population (money is money, right?), most do not openly acknowledge us. So, needless to say, I was thrilled to discover that B3 actually had the gay option on their list. Awesome. I called Kristin and told her flat out we had to go with B3. We had to support the one store that is willing to acknowledge the fact that gay people are out there getting married.

She agreed and I signed us up online. We decided that we should probably actually go into the store to register for the majority of our items at B3, so we jumped in the car and headed on over. It was probably around 7 when we arrived – the store closed at 9 – so we figured we would have just enough time to peruse the store and get registered for everything we needed.

Of course, that was before we met Ed. Ed was a tall, lanky man with large glasses that surrounded his bright and somewhat shiny cheeks. He greeted us as soon as we walked in the door and asked how we were and what we were looking for. I told him we had started a registry online and were there to finish it up. I should have known right away that we were in trouble. He got this strange little gleam in his eye…somewhat akin to a wolf before he pounces on his prey.

Ed was so excited he practically skipped over to the patio furniture section and sat us down. He apologized that someone else was in the “bridal” room but assured us this was the most comfortable spot to chat in the whole store.

Ed told us he used to be a baker and that his real passion was everything kitchen. Gadgets, dishes, fine china, goblets, cookware…you name it, he loved it.

Ed eagerly showed us the two page list (size 8 font) of things we couldn’t possibly live without and therefore should register for. He said they just wanted to make sure we didn’t forget anything…like the egg dish. Did we know just how many people came in the day before Easter searching for egg dishes only to find they were sold out? Well, we wouldn’t be one of those couples. No siree. We would already have an egg dish because it was one of the hundreds of “must have” items on the B3 list.

My thought? I don’t even know what an egg dish is, so I highly doubt I would be there the day before Easter franticly looking for one. But I digress…

He continued. Did we need something to drink? To eat? Were we comfortable? Just for our information, if they announced the store was closing – that announcement would not apply to us. We were welcome to stay as long as we wanted. All night, really.

Ah, the bridal room was ready. We wandered over to it so he could show us all of the fabulous china they carried.

“What did you eat on for dinner tonight?” Ed asked.

I opened my mouth to say “paper”…because we really had eaten off of paper plates that evening, but I thought better of myself and said “just regular dishes.”

“Stoneware, then?”

Huh? Stoneware? I had no idea. They were just plates. Regular, run of the mill plates. “Um, yeah, something like that.”

Ed proceeded to show us all kinds of dishes. He explained all of the differences and talked about what we would need in the years to come out of our place settings. He dropped plates on the floor and stepped on tea cups to demonstrate the durability, and he showed us the everyday china and compared it with the fine china. My head was spinning by the time he took his first breath. Just as it was beginning to clear, he started in on stemware and flatware.

After an hour of talking nothing but place settings we had everything picked out (basically our picking process went like this: what do you want? I don’t know, what do you want? I don’t know…just pick something…we can change it later when Ed isn’t around – which is exactly what we did).

Ed handed us the all-powerful scanner, showed Kristin how to use it, and sent us over to cookware for our lesson in all things pots. A woman was there eagerly waiting to introduce us to the world of fine cookware. She explained the difference between the nonstick (shouldn’t go in the dishwasher…the lime eats away at the pot…oops. Note to self: don’t put the nonstick pans in the dishwasher anymore), the stainless steel (you have to use some kind of oil. Stay away from sprays like Pam…oops. Note to self: throw away the Pam spray when you get home), and the “in between” whatever that was (you can’t put it in the dishwasher AND you have to use oils – how utterly annoying).

She strongly urged us to register for a set as well as for individual pieces…since “sometimes people don’t want to spend $600 on a set of cookware for you but they are willing to spend $150 on a frying pan.” WHAT? I’m sorry, but if I’m spending $150 on someone for a wedding I refuse waste it on something that’s only going to see the light of day when an omelet needs to be made. And $600 for a set of pots? I can understand someone spending that or more for a cookware set if they actually cook…Kristin and I…we aren’t cooks. We aren’t huge on making nice dinners. We aren’t going to register for a set of cookware that costs $600. Period.

After the woman left we looked at each other and immediately decided to skip the kitchen stuff for then. We had just talked about nothing but kitchen for 1 ½ hours. Obviously we weren’t as passionate about everything kitchen like Ed was. We were ready for the fun stuff – bedroom and bathroom items…so we headed for the bedding.

Then, out of nowhere pops Ed. It was a little freaky since we didn’t know he was watching us, and he kind of jumped around a corner.

“Wow, you guys sure made it through the kitchen stuff fast.”

For some reason I felt like a little kid getting caught with my hand in the cookie jar. “Yeah, we decided we’re going to skip it for tonight and come back another day.”

A look of horror crossed Ed’s face. “Why would you ever do you that?”

“It’s all just a little overwhelming.”

“I was supposed to be out of here 2 hours ago, otherwise I would stay and help you, but I understand that it can be overwhelming. Remember, we just want you to have the best of everything.”

We wished him a good night and practically ran for the bedding section.

About every 3 minutes someone would come up and ask how we were doing, if we needed anything, had we looked at the sheets?, did we need help reaching anything?, did we have any questions?, oh, and which one of us was the one getting married?

Tired, stressed, and needing some DQ comfort (which was conveniently located across the street), we bolted out of the store shortly before 9 p.m. with very few items on the registry list.

We returned for another short trip a week later, but as we stepped through the doors we both commented about how anxious we were to be back. As we found ourselves in the kitchen section my heart started pounding as my eyes darted back and forth looking for Ed (who was nowhere to be seen on this trip, thank goodness).

So, the gift registry is definitely taking more time than I thought it would…while it probably won’t take 18 months to finish, it most certainly will take longer than a week.

Thank God this isn’t a funeral.